Empathy : By Dr. Prerana Rane

Empathy is being sensitive towards people around, understanding their emotional state and responding to their need sensitively. When other person is charged with emotions, empathy is very important. Our empathetic behavior towards other person helps that person to come out of the charged emotions, and think objectively. Empathy also tests our sensitivity and flexibility towards other person’s needs.

Many times empathy is confused with sympathy, but they are different. In sympathy we enter into other person’s emotional world, and get caught into them. It is as if getting dragged into the river of other person’s emotions. Empathy on the other hand is like sitting on the bank of the river, with your feet in the river, so that you sense the water fully without getting lost into it. You are not insensitive to sit away from the flow, and you are not soaked and dragged in the flow so that you would loose your objectivity.

Mahatma Gandhi is considered as most effective leader because of his remarkable quality of understanding and relating with people around. One incident in his life will help us to understand empathy.

Mahatma Gandhi in his later life adapted to Ashram life. He was living in Sevagram Ashram. Life in Ashram was very strict and disciplined. People had to adapt to vegetarian food with no spices, less salt; tea/ coffee was not permitted.

Once, one small boy from south India came to Ashram. He was not well, and started crying and demanding for coffee and Dosa. Ashramites tried to explain to him the rules, how Gandhiji is very strict about regulations. They told him that they can not give such food without his consent, and they were scared to even ask for such permission.

Gandhiji was taking his usual round of Ashram, when he suddenly noticed that this small boy is looking very sad. He went and talked to him. The boy told him that he remembers his home, and is starving for coffee and Dosa. Gandhiji thought for a while, and then told the boy, that he does not have things required for making Dosa, but he will try for a nice toast and coffee for him. He went to his kutir, and made coffee. In those days they used to keep some coffee for the foreigners who used to visit Gandhiji sometime. He also prepared one toast and got coffee, toast for the boy.

Boy was touched by Gandhiji’s act. For Ashramites this was a different Gandhiji. They had seen Gandhiji who was very strict and disciplined. Now they saw Gandhiji’s flexibility, sensitivity in understanding other person’s needs.

Gandhiji loved people around him, and was interested in understanding them. He therefore could notice that boy was sad. He listened to the boy not just through words, but also being attentive to his body language. Boy was emotionally charged, and in such state reason does not work. Gandhiji did not get into teaching him why he should not drink coffee, because the boy was not in a state to think about such things. Gandhiji was sensitive to understand that making the boy comfortable was need of the time, and was also flexible to relax his rules for him at that time.

Empathy plays a big role when a person has gone through emotional trauma. You may recall some familiar situations like child getting poor marks in spite of hard work put in, or a spouse who has been forced to take VRS. Charged emotions of sorrow, affection or dejection, despair, discouragement are expressed in many other ways than words. These can be grasped with heart that is committed to love and care for everyone around. Cultivating empathy in daily life therefore helps our spiritual growth.

Following simple practice would help us in this effort.

When we are dealing with our children, spouse, friends, servant, colleagues, neighbors and other people around :

When we sense charged emotions, we could just indicate to him or her that you are concerned by saying few things like: “you seem to be upset over something. Whenever you feel comfortable to talk about it, I am available.” We need to be patient till the person is comfortable about sharing his or her mind.
Instead of getting into reacting, responding or advising mode; try to listen to that person sensitively, attentively with an urge to know how it is to be like him or her.
Try to listen more than words. Sensitively observe the facial expression, body language and tone accompanying words.
Consciously control your temptation to interrupt the person to give advice, or tell story from your past experience or to ask unrelated question or to change the topic.
Your genuine interest in understanding the person will be felt by that person when you respond time to time about what you have understood about his or her state, and indicating that “I am with you in your emotional journey”.
Respond to that person’s need sensitively and flexibly. Child may just want you to spend some time with you when you have lot of work piled up in kitchen.
Once the flood of emotions is over, the person may want to now think about the situation, decide about the action. Again, instead of rushing for judgments or offering your solutions; enter into a dialogue that will enable that person to decide for himself or herself. Consciously avoid advising or giving ready solutions. At the most tell the person what you would have done in similar situation. Since we love and care for the person; we want him or her to learn and grow from his or her own experience.

I have been practicing empathy consciously for the last couple of years and have found that my relationships have become more authentic and full of love. I know and understand people around me much more now. This has helped me in accepting and loving them as they are. I have started seeing beyond me, my needs and my priorities. I also started becoming increasingly aware whenever I try to run other person’s life; and control such acts.

(Published in Yoga and Total Health)